Is it going to be just another no?| Vegonista unplugged

I sat there with my phone refreshing the page over and over again. I mean it’s almost 9 am, publish the list of the new students already? At this point I don’t care if it’s a no, I just want to know. I feel the build-up of my intense training for this moment to see if my name is among the accepted to study classical singing…

My path to this moment started when I was 6 stating proudly to my mom that I want to be a conductor. My mom sang at the time in a choir and I sat and watched the rehearsals. In fact, I was only 3 months old on my first practice. I was in awe over the conductors elegant waiving almost ballet like movements- he was a painter and the choir was the colours.  “Well” my mom said to my ambitious goal “you’ll have to learn the violin and piano”. So I did, I started with Violin lessons after that at the age of 10 I started to play the piano. I got to sing solo in church every Christmas. I auditioned to sing in the opera kids choir, I wasn’t accepted. Many of my friends got accepted. So I tried again, another no. I tried almost every year until I was 15, another no. I started to gain more interest in singing classical when I was 14. So auditioned for the music academy’s for young musicians for classical singing. Another no. I remember as I stood there after singing and the panel asked me “what will you do if you don’t get accepted” I simply answered “I’ll try every year until I get accepted”.

And so I did, I took voice lessons. But every year no. But I kept my promise, but when I was 17 I was too old to audition. By that time, I studied practical nursing. I felt my music ambitions slowly slipping through my fingers. I still played the piano and did small gigs for events. 2016 I applied for the music academy, this time for the college program. When I got the letter that it was again another no. I felt like reality smashed me in the face. I told myself, well I’m just a happy amature nothing wrong with that!  I worked as a practical nurse at various places, first at a kindergarten and later on I ended up as a secretary on a health centre. I still studied piano, sang in the same choir my mom once sang in. I did music on the side of working as a hobby. I told myself well maybe if not music how about political science? I took a couple of courses at the open Uni. I am interested in politics but it’s maybe not my passion. But I thought “it’s the smart choice, you’ll get a realistic good paying job”.  I also applied for the Uni but no. Music for me at this time was like a ghost that was at the back of my mind. Something told me not to give up “not yet”. Tough it felt like my music ambitions were slipping through my fingers I still tried to keep on going. I was not happy, I felt like a failure. Worst of all I felt when I heard classical music it mocked me reminding me of not being good enough. I remember one time; it was naptime at the day care (we had a CD playing soothing music) Claire de Lune started playing and I felt it telling me that was it. You’re stuck now, this is your place music is not for you.
Last year my mom saw that one of the schools that I dreamed to study at had a program for adults. Some along the lines of adult basic education in music. I was like "ok sure", if I’m honest I was certain that it would be just another no. I took some voice coaching lessons before the auditions. I remember sitting at work, refreshing the page. Suddenly my mom calls “CONGRATS” and I broke down. I didn’t care that this was an evening program and not vocational studies. I was just happy that I got a yes.

I studied for a year in the basics program every Tuesday evening 45 minutes and every Wednesday

I longed for Tuesday. I got more fuel, I got back the fire in me. I practiced learned and was determined to apply for the vocational program.

So I did, then the pandemic came. I got to send in my audition via video, had voice lessons via Zoom. Maybe this time I thought, but the voice in the back of my head whispered it’s going to be a no.
Picture on the left my home set up for the audition video.

The page refreshed it’s 9:01. “The list of the new students 2020”. I felt my heart racing, I opened the link. There it was. My name. ME a YES. I broke down in tears, my mom broke down and there I sat with my morning coffee crying. What a relief.

I know this doesn’t bring any certainty to my future, but I don’t care. I will keep on work, because now I see my goal again. There will probably be a whole lot more no’s in the future. But I know I’m at least going somewhere.

I want to tell you that if you are now on the path feeling lost. Beaten down by the No’s, let the negatives motivate you. I was once told it’s only 20% talent the rest is hard work. Keep on working be determined, every failure is just another opportunity to develope yourself.

         My concert dress I'm very exited to wear soon!